43.8 million adults experience mental illness in a given year; that is 1 in every 5 adults in America and 13% of the population in the United States. However what hits home for me the most, is that 50% of all chronic mental illness begins by the age of 14. Fourteen years old…for most youth that is their 8th grade year of school, a time kids should be enjoying the fact they are the ‘big kids on the playground’ of middle school and about to experience the passage into their High School years.

But for many parents, including myself, the age of 14 is not quite as exciting; and not just because it is a reminder that our children are growing up. For me, it is a reminder that we almost lost our oldest child, our only daughter; to suicide. An evening I will never forget.

I had come home after a long day at work, overtired and just plain cranky. One of those times, that as a parent, we don’t have the patience we need to have when it comes to our children. Our oldest daughter, as I mentioned was a new teenager, and to be honest I do not even recall what she had done or said that ‘pushed’ my mom button. But she did nonetheless and I had asked for her phone as she headed to bed. Laying in bed that night, I couldn’t help but wonder what had gotten into her as of late. She had been distant towards me which was unusual and I wasn’t sure if it was just a ‘teenager phase’ or if something was wrong. I truly believe that God had been watching over our family and directing me that night. You see, although I had always requested to know the passcodes on our children’s telephones, I had never used them out of respect of their privacy as well as teaching them trust. However, something told me to look at her phone, so I grabbed it off my nightstand, unlocked it and began my search.

First, I started with her text messages. I was pleased to see that her friends seemed to look to her for advice on various topics and that her responses were very mature and uplifting for them. So, I proceeded to look at her photos. At first, as I scrolled through them, they were typical teenage photos – the usual selfies and group pictures of friends. But as I went a little bit further, they turned dark and sad; pictures of depression and depressive quotes. She had mentioned she was doing research on teen depression for a class at school so I tried to calm my nerves by reassuring myself they were just for her essay. But to be sure, I decided to search her phone a little further and came across the ‘notes’ section. When I opened the folder my eyes immediately saw a topic titled ‘dreams’ with smiley face and heart emojis next to it. I smiled and thought,

“this is what I need to reassure me that all is okay;” until I opened it.

I felt guilty invading the privacy of her folder marked, ‘dreams,’ but yet as a mom I really needed to put my mind at ease after seeing all those dark and sad images in her photos. So, I read on. The first few entries seemed to be a normal diary of sorts; dreams she had throughout the night, each day labeled and a brief one or two line summary of that night’s dream. For example, “Day 1 – Dreamt about friends last night. Day 2 – Had a fight at school in my dream.” And so on. Until I reached “Day 5.” All of a sudden her descriptions of average dreams previously with just a short description transitioned to a breakdown of her plans to take her own life by suicide after school. It included a detailed outline of how she wanted her funeral to look like; including who to invite and who should sit by who. She also had instructions to give each person close to her a farewell letter – one for: her two younger brothers, her dad, a few best friends, and then one for me. As I read her letter titled to “mom,” she apologized to me for taking her own life, explaining that she could not go on any longer, that she believed everyone was better off without her, and that there was nothing I could have done different to have prevented her plan…that I was the best mom she could have ever asked for.

As I type this; I cannot help but to have all the emotions flood back to me from that moment, that night. I definitely did not feel like the ‘best mom ever’ as I sobbed laying in bed, asking myself what had happened to our daughter to make her feel that suicide was the only answer. I immediately woke up my husband and explained everything I had found. We agreed that we needed to wake her up immediately.

At this time it was already two o’clock in the morning so she definitely was not happy with us waking her up but we needed answers. We confronted her with what I had found on her phone and she just kept repeating,

“it was just a dream, mom, I wasn’t going to actually do anything, those are all just dreams.”

But I knew better than that. The first few entries, I told her, I believe were just dreams because we usually do not remember all the intricate details of our dreams when we wake up; if we remember anything of them at all. However, “Day 5,” I explained was not ‘just a dream’ and we needed to get her help.

We kept her home from school the following day. At first, we wanted to just do things to see our daughter smile and laugh as though we, ourselves, could just pretend it had all been just a bad dream. But the truth was, she did need help and we were not enough. We took her in to a counselor where she could finally open up. They diagnosed her with severe depression but she decided she did not want to take medications for it. Instead she wanted to fight for herself to figure out what exactly was making her depressed.

Jumping ahead to the present; six years later, I am proud to say that our daughter graduated high school at the age of 16, became a national spokesperson for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), has traveled the country sharing her story with others, and just graduated early with her Bachelor’s degree in pre-law at the age of 19. We have had a happy story to share but it is far from a ‘happy ending.’ Mental health is something that she must stay in tune to everyday. All of us need to. For decades we have ignored mental health, as a society, to be just as important if not more important than our physical health. As parents, her dad and I learned so much through this journey together: from initial denial that anything was wrong with our daughter to blame and guilt upon ourselves wondering how we had failed her as parents, to finally acceptance and support; realizing that it is OKAY to not be OKAY but that we need to talk about it, not shy away from it, and truly have unconditional love for those around us.

The world has enough hate and violence in it. And with social media and the internet; all of us, especially our children are exposed everyday to it. More than any other generation that has come before us. Our daughter, our children, are the ‘why’ for me to support, speak up, advocate for, and understand the importance of mental health. I choose to battle for them as well as myself. I choose to lead a life of love and leadership for them, myself, and all those around me.

Mental health is a choice to make it a priority in our lives, in our society, and it is a global topic. I beg all to understand this and to find their own ‘why’ and to share it with others so that we may break these cycles and statistics for ourselves, our children, and our future generations.