First let me just ask…does anyone actually look good when they are having a meltdown? Not a happy tear being shed over a proud moment, but an all out sobbing session? If you are one of those that think you look good sobbing or have been told you still look good when you are sobbing; well I hate to be the one to tell you this – but you are either lying to yourself or someone has been lying to you. Either way, this is a vulnerable post and to be real with you means I am not only sharing my thoughts with you but this photo of me as well.
If you have read or watched my last couple of posts then there is one main thing you should know by now. I have had to be in self-quarantine in my bedroom for 5 days now since I started to show the symptoms of COVID-19. As soon as I started to feel worse than I usually do (on-going medical issues from my stroke in 2014 – read previous posts for more on that); I knew something was wrong. After talking with my specialists I needed to self-quarantine. Actually, one of my specialists wanted me to go to the hospital right away. Not because of my general COVID-19 minor symptoms but because of the instability of my oxygen levels. As I have shared previously, I did not want to go in just to be admitted IF by fluke they could ‘just be’ complications with my on-going health issues. But one of my specialists had messaged me and told me to go the closest ER or urgent care and be tested for COVID-19. Now, IF I had done that and I did not have COVID-19 then I was not only exposing myself but eventually exposing my family as well…however, against my wishes I would go in if that was what I needed to do. So, just as I was about to do that my other specialist was telepathic and reading my thoughts and fear as well as knowing my risk of contraction by going in IF I did not have COVID and she asked to do a virtual appointment with me to evaluate my symptoms a little closer.
Ultimately, I was told that she was over 90% positive I had COVID-19 and testing me was not going to matter either way. She was concerned about my oxygen levels as they had hit 70 the night before talking to her and that level of a lack of oxygen could negatively affect my other organs (I did not know that, why would I?). However, since I had already self-quarantined myself away from my family and had the equipment at home already to monitor my symptoms (again because of my on-going health issues since my stroke), she was willing to let me stay at home and would be checking in on me daily. Fortunately, since that call, my oxygen has been in the low to mid 80’s and even hitting low 90’s at times. In a normal situation oxygen in the 80’s for me would require me to go in, however the upside to COVID-19 is knowing that right now those oxygen levels are okay as long as I am not gasping for air. All of my other symptoms I have had: aches, pains, fever, sweats, chills, headaches, consistent dry cough that is aggravated now by even just talking, chest pressure from the cough, and of course unstable oxygen.
Over this past weekend, I can honestly say that I felt the worst and overall extremely weak; making it difficult at times to even get out of bed to go to my bathroom, including today with even minor movements especially walking to my bathroom feeling as though the wind was knocked right out of me. My doctor has been consistently checking in with me and making notes should I have to go to the hospital that the medical staff knows to come out with masks on and such to protect themselves.
So why the ugly crying photo?
Yesterday morning (Sunday April 5, 2020) I tuned into You Tube on my television in my room so I could watch the live stream of my church and worship. *Proud mom moment: I was able to tune in to watch on You Tube because my daughter, whom I blessed to be called her mother, is the Communications Director for our church and recently set up the church on You Tube – not just for weekend worships to stream but for their youth programs for all ages and daily worship time as well.* Anyway, as soon the first worship song started; I lost it. No rhyme, no reason that I knew of, just lost it. I have been communicating with my family in our home via FaceTime, group chats on our phones, and pictures. Even though they are just on the other side of my bedroom door and I get to hear them when I am awake and they are moving around the house; not being able to be physically with them, watching over them (Thankfully God has watched over them for me and none are showing any symptoms to date – yay!), making sure they are safe 24/7, having to keep my door closed and locked so they don’t accidentally walk in – well, it has been one of the most trying times in my life. So whether I started to sob because of extreme exhaustion, anxiousness, or my own fears; I just know my emotions overflowed and I started to sob, the ugly cry. It turns out the service was just what I needed (they always tend to be).
In reflection over the past year of my health declining and recently being confirmed by my primary specialist that there is not an autonomic system left in my body that has not been affected now by the survival of my stroke 5 years ago; I realized God had prepared me for this isolation. He had prepared me to be even more in tune to my body, my health, and when I started to feel worse than I usually do, He had prepared me to realize that I needed to humble myself again back to him and regardless of this new battle; I was not alone. Regardless that my family is still with me in my home, on the other side of my door, the feeling of loneliness I have had, He reminded, is not for me to bare on my own. As my favorite poem states, it is during this time that although I feel like there are only one set of footprints in the sand, it is now that He is carrying me; they are His footprints. He knew fear had snuck in and took over and in that moment that I started to sob; I realized this and I had opened back up to let my faith back in and be filled with the Holy Spirit.
During the message, our Pastor asked a question, “Who have you or who will you become during this time? This season that our entire world is going through together – not just by myself?”
My answer: Stronger than I was before.
I realized that during this time, during this season we are all experiencing, we are not alone. We are fighting together, we are united as one – globally – and He is with us. Over 2,000 years ago, Jesus walked the Earth sharing a new message, a new set of rules. He knew we would never be able to live the perfect lives to go to Heaven, so he brought Heaven down to us. He traveled and preached these words to all that would listen. He did not create a temple or building that we needed to go to in order to be with Him; we simply needed to believe in Him, humble ourselves to Him, lean on Him, and praise the eternal life we will have with Him. His disciples, His initial followers were not gathered in a building each week and much like the difficult time we are all going through; we are not able to be gathered in any specific building either. But we are able to still be connected, still serve one another, still worship together, still be the light in a world of darkness right now. Because of this, we are as close to the times Jesus walked His Earth as ever in history. Being able to stay connected, be together virtually, praise together virtually to Him; this is as close to what we would have experienced 2,000+ years ago and yet we still have it better than they did.
I could have asked God why he let me have a stroke, why He turned my life upside down five years ago, and why He created another battle, another halt and another change to my life with COVID. I could have asked, “Why are you doing this to me?” But the truth is:
He has done these things for me.
Even when the truth hurts, it is still the truth. He knows when I am angry with Him, He knows when I am confused, sad, frustrated, and hurt. But He is still there for me to talk to. He is everywhere. As someone reminded me after my last doctor’s appointment (one of those times I was mad at God); God wants to hear from us, even if it is us yelling at Him. Because He knows it is coming but at least we are turning to Him, talking to Him. Like any parent wants their children to at least tell them what is wrong, even if as parents we can’t ‘fix’ it; we still want to know, we still want them to talk to us. And so does He.
My fear had creeped in and had started to take over. This ugly crying picture is the demonstration of that. It is the vulnerability I shared with my kids and my husband, that I was hurt, sad, frustrated, missing them, but also blessed. My faith is stronger than any fear and Sunday reminded me of that.
So, if you are frustrated, confused, angry, hurt, feeling disconnected, or broken; know that He knows that already. But He has not turned His back on you. You are not alone. Take some time to talk to Him, let Him in, lean on Him. Let your faith grow, trust your faith, and share your ugliest sob with Him. He doesn’t mind and no one else will either.
XO always,
Jacque
If you need somewhere to connect, pray, worship, lean on right now – watch live streaming of Eastern Hills Community Church on YouTube, FaceBook, or their website. You can also watch previous services and series all posted right on YouTube. Your children can too. Just search out: Eastern Hills Community Church and all of their channels will come up. If you need help, feel free to email me and I will try to connect you the best way I can. My email is: [email protected]