7 years ago we almost lost our daughter, Brittany, who was just 12 years old at the time; to suicide. 12 years old. How would a 12 year old even know what suicide was much less even know how to take their own life? The truth is children as young as 5 years have lost their lives to suicide. This is my story.

I will never forget that night. I had come home from a long day at work and was just over tired. I don’t even remember what Brittany had done to irritate me, if anything at all. However, I told her she was to hand over her phone to me, go to her room, and go to bed. Without hesitation she did. I laid in my bed that night staring at my ceiling wondering what was going on with her lately; her and I had always been so close and yet she just seemed to be so distant. Brittany was our oldest, so I didn’t know if it was just a ‘teenage’ phase she was going through or what it might be.

I had the rule with all of our children that I had their passwords to their phone and all social media; I never used them, it was just a tool to teach them trust. But I suddenly had the urge to use that password, unlock her phone, and look at it. I started with her text messages. They seemed to be pretty normal; friends messaging about boys and school. I saw one from one of her friends talking about how they had been feeling depressed but I was proud of how Brittany had responded to her friend’s message, showing her support of her friend and urging her to talk to someone. So I started to feel a little relief but decided to still continue on. I opened her photos next. As I scrolled through them, they started off being the usual selfies and goofy photos of her and her friends at school. I then started to see some pretty ‘dark’ images of depressing quotes, people expressing loneliness and the desire to die. My stomach sunk. But then I reminded myself that Brittany had told me she had been doing some research on depression and suicide for a school project because of some of her friends talking about depression and the fact that she didn’t understand what it was all about. So I decided to continue scrolling past them trying to ‘reassure’ myself that was what the images were for. The photos then went back to the fun, loving, pictures of herself and friends again. I started to feel better but something continued to urge me to dig deeper into her phone. Again, I had no reason to be doing it at all other than some urge telling me to do so.

I decided to open the ‘Notes’ section of her phone. As I scrolled through the headings; I saw one titled “Dreams” with hearts next to it. I decided I would open this one, telling myself that for sure this would put my mind at ease and that I was just overreacting to her recent behavior. It seemed to be a diary of dreams she had been having, listing each one as “Day 1, Day 2, Day 3,” and so on. Each one was a brief description of what her dream had been the night before; which is logical since most people do not even remember their dreams when they wake up in the morning and those that do tend to be brief or just parts of their dreams. Then I got to one that was too detailed and too long. Once again I was urged to read the entire diary of that ‘dream.’ It started off describing the dream of how she had gotten off the bus from school that day, as she normally would have, but that when walking home with a neighborhood friend, he kissed her as he dropped her off at home. She explained in the diary how guilty she had felt about it since she was dating another boy already. She went on to talk about other feelings she had been having as of late. Feelings of confusion, sadness, loneliness, disappointment to those she loved, and anger. She wrote that she had come to the conclusion that her family would be better off without her and that she would go inside the house and take her own life.

She had decided to die by suicide. 

She went on to describe how she wanted her funeral. Everything from whom she wanted there, where they were to sit, what she wanted read, even the flowers she would like. She then went on to write a personal good-bye letter to each member of the family and a few close friends.

The first ones were to her two younger brothers, then a few close friends, the to her dad, and the final one to me. She told me in her letter that she was sorry. That it wasn’t my fault. That there wasn’t anything I could have done to stop her or prevent ‘this’ from happening. How I had been the best mother any girl could have asked for.

I could not stop sobbing as I read it. How could this not be my fault, I thought?? I was so angry with myself. How could I not have noticed that her behavior was a deep cry for help?! I rolled over and woke up my husband. I explained everything I had been thinking to lead me to questioning if I should look at her phone, how I had decided to open her phone, and what I had found. We immediately agreed to go into Brittany’s room and wake her up. She definitely was not happy about that because it was about 2 a.m. at this point. We asked her about what we found and she kept insisting that it was ‘just a dream,’ ‘it was nothing,’ and she ‘wasn’t going to actually do anything.’ I didn’t care. We kept her home from school the next day and immediately brought her to a counselor.

I firmly believe that God had sent a guardian angel that night to ‘urge’ me and guide me to go through her phone and find what I had. If we had not found those notes, those dreams; we may have lost Brittany forever.

 

Since then, Brittany, has been a spokesmodel for NAMI across the country sharing her story as I have also shared our story as a parent. Even though we were able to save our daughter, I have met so many parents that lost their children. I want parents to know it is okay for their children to not be okay and that it is okay for their children to talk to someone, it is okay, as a parent, to talk to someone. Parenting is not easy. We are not given a book when we are handed those beautiful babies to tell us what to do each step of the way. I am now more aware of not only all three of my children’s mental health but of my own as well.

My prayer is that whether you walk, speak out, or even just silently donate to NAMI and our efforts that you learn the signs, symptoms, and available treatments to gain and maintain a healthy lifestyle – both body and mind. I ask that you please join us and donate to show your support. Every dollar helps to save the lives of all ages around the country.

Inspire those around you daily. Live. Breathe. Do.   

Love always,

Jacque Georgia