Lying in bed, not sleeping, not feeling well but trying to remind myself again of all the things I am grateful for… my phone lights up. To no surprise; the profile picture and name that comes across made me grin. Usually at almost 2 a.m. a mother would be upset that her daughter was not in bed sleeping…but since my baby girl has always made me keep pushing on, ever since the day she was born and it is me she is texting…how can I really be that mad?? I am just praying it isn’t a teenage rant about a boy; since she is going to her Senior Homecoming tomorrow (technically today) with just friends…I had to read what she sent.

Britty…because you are beginning to realize that in a Blink of an Eye…Just Like That…life can change and fly before your eyes…I want to share my text back to you.

Oh my sweet baby girl, you talk about the last 4 years and how fast they have flown by, you speak of all the little things you will miss from High School, remembering the days that you thought school would never be over and how much you hated it and all the little things that would bug you about the daily grind of attending classes but somehow now you are already missing them. You reflect upon how they seem to have gone by too fast; what you were doing 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago, even just 3 months ago and how they all seem like just yesterday yet so much has changed so quickly, it seems, to you. And now you are counting down the last 3 months of school you have left and the days until you are off to college since you will graduate early. Counting down the months and days until you turn 18 and then move out…the years until you graduate college…and I sigh.

But I can’t help but also smile reading your text because I remember doing those same things and I start to reflect on the last 18 years of my life and how fast they have blown by. 4 years is a drop in the bucket, heck you will someday realize that even 18 years is just a blurp in the big scheme of things.

So….hhhmmm… 18 years ago, for me…well, I was the youngest Branch Manager of one of the largest and oldest Credit Unions around, my career was taking off, and I was pregnant with my first child. I didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy, because 18 years ago, I didn’t even realize yet that I was pregnant. 18 years ago I was about to be divorced from my high school boyfriend after 7 years. It was an unhealthy relationship that I guarded you from for many, many years but now as a young adult you have put pieces together on your own. He was not a good person nor a good husband. He had cheated, lied, was an alcoholic, didn’t believe in God, and the last thing on his mind was wanting children. He was jealous and insecure over the success I was already having with my career. I had bought my first house, drove a nice new car, and fortunately had a few really great friends…3 months later I found out I was pregnant  and just over 17 years ago, my 1st baby was born. They said labor would be hard but that you would forget about it. My labor with you was 38 hours long (not counting the entire day before that I was having small contractions and had worked from home), but whoever says you forget it, must have gone with the drugs during labor because you never forget. BUT I can say that every minute of the 38 hours was just a blurp in time that I wish I could go back to and actually enjoy. Yes enjoy. No you don’t forget about it, I won’t lie to you about that, but obviously it isn’t that bad if women go through it more than once. And since I did it an additional two times later on to give you two ‘annoying’  brothers, I can tell you that when they hand you your baby, you would do it all again; at that very moment, no matter how exhausted you are. Because there is nothing like holding the life that God created inside you, in your arms and getting lost in their eyes.

But 17 years ago I wasn’t as strong as the mother you talk about in your blogs or social media posts today. I was in an unhealthy marriage; all because of fear. I have always taught you and your brothers to face your fears. To look past them and imagine the dreams you will accomplish in life, that you are destined for in life, that you can and will do anything you put your mind, heart, and conviction towards. To have faith because where there is faith there is no fear. But 17 years ago, I hadn’t learned that yet, I didn’t know faith yet. I was afraid of being a single mother with a new baby that had been unplanned. I worried what others might think of me or say, what my family would think, what YOU would think of your mother when you grew up. Then I remember, my beautiful little baby girl, looking up at me; with a warning from a marriage counselor to me resonating and repeating through my head over and over every time you would smile or coo at me. She said, “I realize you are afraid, Jacque, but you have to ask yourself, if this is how you want your daughter to grow up. Do you want her to think it is okay for women to be treated this way?” 17 years ago I faced my first fear and filed for divorce from a physically and emotionally abusive spouse with a couple month old baby. 16 1/2 years ago I had developed an eating disorder, had extremely low self esteem, and was a single mom. I still had a successful career and from the outside everyone thought of me as being so strong and inspirational, but inside I was not just a single mom, I was a single mom with no help; and I was inching up on a breaking point. That breaking point would soon be when I had, MY moment, as I have shared with you, and found my true faith in God.

16 1/2 years ago, one night after laying you down for the night in your crib, I went across the hall and climbed into bed. Staring at the ceiling listening to you sound asleep, because you always slept through the night since you were just 8 weeks old, and to most new mothers would be considered the perfect baby; I started to cry. I was tired, I was burnt out, and I was questioning what I knew about parenting. I wasn’t raised in a positive, family environment myself growing up, so how would I ever be a good mother to you. You deserved only the very best and they never give you a handbook when they hand over that bundled up baby in the hospital and send you on your way.

I had been raised that God was everywhere and that you could pray or talk to him anytime, anywhere; you didn’t have to go to church to do it. (Keep in mind, that was also my parent’s way of just not wanting to go to church on Sunday, I realized that over time.) But I never really prayed or talked to God; heck I didn’t even know much about him or if I even believed in him. But as I glanced back and forth; crying, between my bedroom ceiling and the newly filled pill bottle of anti-depressants my doctor had just prescribed to me standing on my night stand; I decided I would give it a try. I prayed out loud, “God, if you really are there like they say you are, please hear me. I need your help. I know I have not gone to church lately, I have no excuse. I know I don’t pray or talk to you even on a regular basis. But I am lying here wondering if my baby would just be better off without me. I am afraid. I don’t know what to do. I need a sign. Any sign. Please, I beg of you, if you really are there, can you just give me a sign?” I felt foolish looking up at my ceiling, crying, talking out loud to white painted plaster. But as I rolled over on my side, staring at the pill bottle, now sobbing into my pillow, your baby monitor went off. It never went off, as I said, you slept soundly every night. Honestly, because of that, I felt a little frustrated. But I wiped my tears and walked across the hall into your bedroom. There you laid crying in your crib eyes still shut. Were you having a bad dream I wondered? I didn’t think that started until toddler years. So I did the usual things; changed your diaper, nope you still were crying. Went downstairs to get you a bottle warmed up. When I came back up stairs, there you were, still crying. Wow, I thought I was burnt out before, now how was I going to feel in the morning if this was going to last all night? But I picked you up and went to the rocker to give you your bottle. But when I put the bottle in your mouth you weren’t hungry. This time your bright big eyes were open and staring at me. The moon was shining in so brightly through your window behind us that I didn’t even need a light on to see around your bedroom. So, I got up and laid you back down in your crib. As soon as I did, you started to cry. This was not like you at all. I didn’t know what you wanted. I tried feeding you again; nothing. Laid you down, the crying would start. So I picked you up for the third time, went to the rocker, holding you and your eyes wide open, but not wanting your bottle…you just stared at me with the soft glow of the moonlight shining on your face. I looked up at your ceiling this time, exhausted, and asked, “Please, God, I don’t even know what to do right now, I NEED a sign.” As I looked back down at you, soft tears starting to form in my eyes, I saw you not just staring, peacefully back up at me as you had been but this time with a big smile that could melt anyone’s heart. And that moonlight shining on my back and glowing around you now felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I couldn’t explain it and wouldn’t share that story with anyone for years, again in fear that they would think I was crazy. But it was in that moment, my prayer  had been answered. YOU, Brittany, was my sign. The reason I needed to stay. You didn’t need a bottle or a diaper change. You just needed my love and everything I did from that day forward has always been from a place of love and protection for my baby girl.

16 1/2 years ago YOU showed me my faith, not fear. God uses all of us and I am blessed to have been able to look back up at your ceiling that night and thank him for giving me the sign. I read him loud and clear.

Fast forward and YES the years have not flown by for me but I would say blown by.  You have often asked me; especially over the last couple of years during our times of hardship with me becoming ill, and the countless stays and nights in hospital beds, chairs, hotels to travel and see new specialists…each with hopes of extending that time just a little longer, and a lot of prayers…about God. How did I know he existed. You would always acknowledge what I have taught you with a kind of smug “Yes mom, I know life happens for us, not to us, but I still wonder why sometimes and if he really is there why he lets bad things happen.” And I still say the same thing, everyone, I believe has their “moment” at different times, so I can not force you to believe as much as I have tried yet I am at peace with just the simple response that “I just know” with no additional explanation needed.

16 years ago I met a man, a best friend, opposite of any guy I had ever spoke to before; that would become your father. Proudly give you his name, fight for you, cry for you, and guard you no matter what…from the moment he first met you and you almost tumbled by the couch with your stumbly walk to making silly snapchat videos for you just to hear your belly laugh. You gained a father but he gained a forever, daddy’s girl. 12 years ago we gave you a little brother. 11 years and 3 months ago, we almost lost your little brother to a rare illness and your belly laugh and love, along with all our prayers to God, helped heal him in that Florida children’s’ hospital. 10 years ago we gave you another little brother, again God had to watch over him since that little bugger wanted to come out way too soon but we kept him in my belly long enough for him to join us safely in the world. Too bad he isn’t early for anything else anymore. But he is also now who you refer to as the male version of you since you are two peas in a pod.

Five years ago, we almost lost you to a horrible illness, depression. God watched over you and guided me to prevent that. Four years ago, yes you had braces but three years ago I had braces. Two years ago I worked out five times a week despite chest pain. 1 year, 9 months, and 27 days ago, my life came to a halt as I knew it, surviving a stroke. 1 1/2 years ago they diagnosed Fibromyalgia and asthma of the Esophagus which we both get chuckles over when in the hospital because no one knows what to do with my inhaler. 1 year ago, with continued problems, we traveled to Mayo to discover I had a form of POTS, an autonomic disorder that just 9 months ago decided to start issues with the autonomic functions of my GI and effect my ability to eat. And in the last 9 months you, your dad, and your brothers have had to witness too many unresponsive attacks with my health, heart, body, and Rapid Response teams called to my hospital rooms. You and your brothers reminding me how strong I am because I have to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But over the last 17 years that have blown by, I choose to reflect on these things. The dozens of Disney trips we have taken. The laughs that we get when your brothers give directions at Disney World to people trying to find a ride because they know it like the back of their hands  (I promise we will get back there again). The beaches and sun tanning. The adventures. The late night talks. The long texts that lead into late night talks. You coming to me for advice to help your girlfriends that can’t ask their own moms. The cheerleading travels. The 10 years of pageants and watching you shine in your element on stage performing, always teaching yourself new techniques, poses, and routines. Feeling sad when you wanted to practice interview with your old sister queen instead of me… haha.

 

The goofy movies you make with your brothers. The cuddle times in mom’s bed. The macaroni and cheese casserole movie picnics in the living room. The movie release parties for “High School Musical” and “Princess Diaries” series in our basement. The bickerings. The hormones that when you walk away and my head is still spinning, trying to figure out what you were upset over and then I just laugh. The spilt milk. My clothes disappearing from my closet RIGHT AFTER I buy a new item. Sharing makeup. Picking out our puppy, who is such a diva like you. Watching you send a million pictures of our other puppy from Santa who takes after your dad’s personality now. Watching you and laughing over taking countless selfies, snapchats, and you typing faster on a phone than I do on a computer…and that IS fast! Learning how to perfect an eye brow from you after I created an eyebrow nazi out of you. Coloring, cutting, styling your hair since you were little. Learning  what window in the house gives the best selfie lighting from you at what time of day. I still do not have selfies down but … Signing for you to get a drivers license. Scared to death the first time you pulled out of the driveway but so proud of you for driving down safely to Illinois all by yourself. Being proud that because of all of our fun family trips, you know how to handle an airport by yourself. Watching you walk a runway and own it when you model. Traveling with you to pageant competitions, your brothers always praying for you to win, Dynamic Duo weekends, competing together only because I had the best cheerleader there! Planning parties and weddings and anything just for fun. Proud knowing you are able to fly around the country on your own for modeling jobs. Amusing your friends. Trying to catch up and understand the Netflix episodes of why you are addicted to Grey’s Anatomy. Watching you accomplish so much personally and professionally so much younger than I ever did! I could go on and on but for everyone else’s sake of reading, I think you get the idea. 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Through it all, especially over the last couple years…I have learned so many things.  Slow down, live in each moment so you have so many more that you can reflect back on when your old like me, haha. Never count down to anything because you never want it to be gone. Life isn’t meant to be a countdown, its meant to be lived. If we count it down; well we may just hit that timer long before we want it to go off.  The glass is never half empty or half full, its what YOU make it, so stop looking into a glass unless it is to make sure its clean before you pour something in it.  Because in a blink of an eye…just like that…

And of course, one of my very own favorite quotes about life, “You can worry about the spilt milk or bask in the memories it creates.”

I love you my baby girl, forever and always! Live. Breathe. Do.

-Mommy