I found myself reflecting upon my many blessings the other day. Now some may be thinking “Blessings? You had a stroke just a few years ago!” or even: “Did you forget about everything you have been through?” And the answer to both – Ultimately my stroke was a blessing because I believe life happens for us, not to us and No: I didn’t forget about every way my life has changed but that brings me to my point exactly. This is exactly what I was reflecting over.

I was fortunate, some may say; I say I was blessed, to be very successful at a very young age and for many years. I was able to accomplish a lot of things in fact that, now I realize, many may not be able to in a lifetime; yet I did so before I was 25. Why was that? I remember having lunch one day with a previous supervisor and friend of mine when I was 29. He and I had stayed in touch and made it a point to go to lunch every couple of months to catch up. He said we needed to in order for him to stay on top of all of my life changes, which always made me chuckle. I remember sitting across from him and saying, “Jeff, I think I am having a mid-life crisis.” He responded as he was laughing under his breathe, “Jacque, you are a little young to be having a mid-life crisis; don’t you think?”

Jeff knew everything about me: he had been there as a supervisor and mentor to me since I had been 15. He had seen me get married, have my children, seen me through triumphs and tribulations; he was like a dad to me although he didn’t like the sound of that so I always said, ‘he was like a brother to me’ instead.

I looked back at him, “Jeff, that is what I mean; I know I am not technically old but I feel old. I just feel I should be doing more with my life. That there is so much more to be done.”  Jeff just leaned back in the high top chair, “Jacque, you have done more in less than 30 years than most will ever do. What more do you want to be doing?” And I had no response. I didn’t know; I just had this ‘gut feeling.’

Then BOOM! Wake-up call just as I was venturing in on another adventure of mine. I had been having chest pressure and pains for months, including numbness down my right side but every time I went into the ER or doctor; I heard the same thing: I didn’t fit the mold. I was in shape, I worked out, I ate healthy; so based on all my business ventures, it just must be ‘stress’ they told me. Stress. Ugh. They clearly didn’t know me because anyone that did would tell you that if I wasn’t running around with my head cut off THEN something was wrong. I passed every stress test they had given me. Even took the anti-reflux pills they gave me. But as I was in a meeting with my IP attorney, discussing the next steps of a patent we were working on; I knew something was wrong. The numbness was going up my right side, it was becoming difficult to formulate my thoughts, and it was spreading into the back of my neck. I excused myself from my meeting, citing other appointments, and drove myself to the hospital. Yes, I drove myself there. I called my doctor on the way, described what was going on and told them I was on my way to the ER. They were just as concerned about me driving but by the time their hold music was up anyway; I was about to exit the highway for the hospital. I remember walking in, giving my name, explaining how tired I felt all of a sudden, and then ‘waking up’ roughly 9 hours later with a Neurologist standing over me explaining to me not to worry: they thought I had had a stroke.

That brings me to my reflection a few weeks ago. I was looking back upon the early years of my life and it dawned on me; I had been the pilot of my life for so long. I was in control and I didn’t want to have to depend on others because that was too dangerous. Yes, I had successful teams in business but I was extremely picky on who I trusted even among those team members. I had high expectations. I never expected anyone to do anything I would not do and I never had any problem getting down in the ‘trenches,’ so to speak, and working as well. But being completely open, raw, and honest with myself; I was the pilot. Yes, I always had what I considered to be a firm belief in my faith. I never pushed my faith on others; respected all faiths, didn’t judge others, gave back, was grateful, an active advocate for many non-profits, a loving-philanthropist, and taught my children to do the same. I felt, like many, that we could always go to church more often but also taught my children to have God in our lives everywhere; not just at church.

So, when I was listening to our pastor ask the question: “What are you holding onto, that’s holding you back?” I started to think. And I realized that the questions I had over a decade ago were it. They were what I had been holding onto. “Isn’t there more to life? What more can I be doing?” And the answer is YES. Yes, I was always and will always be grateful for the blessings and opportunities that I have been given. Yes, I felt I kept God in my daily life but I felt selfish to ask him for anything more; he had given me, I believed, so much already. I had more than others. Others needed more than I did. I didn’t want his attention on me; I wanted it to be on those that didn’t have as much as I did. So, if we are to trust our future and depend upon, Jesus, then we must stop piloting and move over in the cockpit to the co-pilot seat. We must let Jesus pilot as he promised to do for us over two thousand years ago. Besides, everyone knows that when you feel as though you are secure in your future, if only you knew all would be okay; then you could endure so much more. You could feel secure. Feel secure because your future IS secure.

My stroke was just His tool to deliver the answers to my questions. He reminded me that He had let me pilot for as long as I needed to in order for me to know it was okay to be vulnerable. So, “What more is there? What more can I be doing?” There is His work. There is God’s work within you, for you; His strength within you and for you. For me it is to Let Go, Lean In, and Trust More. One of the first quotes I wrote, published in my book, (note that this is the book that I finally published after my stroke, when I ‘found time’ to publish the hundreds of inspirational quotes I had wrote over the years….hhhhmmm), was: “You are either growing or dying; there is no such thing as stagnant.” He knew what He was doing when he inspired me to write that quote because it is true on so many different levels. I KNOW with or without chronic illnesses as a result of my stroke:

If I am not dead, I am not done. 

What are you holding onto, that’s holding you back?